The Universe:  The Twilight Saga

The Movies:  Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

The Big Picture: Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are star crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet, except he can’t die because he’s a vampire and someone is always trying to kill her.

NOTE:  I’ve never seen these movies before. So this is the first Universe, I think, I will be reviewing where I only have some knowledge before going in. Let’s be honest I am not the audience for these movies, but my sister is a HUGE fan and she let me borrow her DVD’s to watch these.

Twilight (2008) 
PG-13 | 2h 2min 

TEAM: EDWARD

For now.
I can never be Team Jacob as long as he has that hair.

I mean… Just….. NO.

RECAP –   17-year-old Bella Swan moves in with her father, the local sheriff in Forks Washington. After turning down every boy in school who wants to date her, Bella falls for the dreamy and pale Edward Cullen. Edward at first, she thinks, is repulsed by her but after he is gone for a week he starts talking to her. Not long after, Bella is almost hit by a van, and out of nowhere Edward saves her. After spending some time with him and noticing odd things, she comes to the conclusion he is a vampire. Edward admits it and briefly tries to scare her away, but then he gives in and they start dating. Bella meets his family of teen vampires, all of which have special powers, like Alice can see the future and the others… are… like… really pretty vampires(?) Bella is invited to a Cullen family baseball game which gets interrupted by 3 other Vampires dressed like they are on their way to a 90’s rave. One of the Rave Vampires, James, wants to eat Bella, so Edward gets her the hell out of there, then the hell out of town. But James tracks her all the way to Phoenix and prepares to eat her in an old dance studio. Edward and his family arrive and kill James but he has already bitten Bella, and she is slowly dying / turning into a vampire. Edward decides to suck out the (vampire) venom and Bella is okay. Then he takes her to prom.

REVIEW –  As I said earlier, I’m not the audience for these movies. So how are they? This one is well done for what it is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s dopey as hell. I mean these vampires sparkle in the sunlight and have special powers like reading minds and predicting the future and looking hot and whatever the hell Kellan Lutz does. At one-point Edward swoops in like Batman to save Bella from a van that swerves out of control. So that was kinda cool. But I guess since I’m coming into this cold I have some questions like why is it when Bella shows up at school why does EVERY non-vampire boy asks her out? There are other cute girls at that school, like Academy Award Nominee Anna Kendrick. Which leads to my next question: What the hell is Anna Kendrick doing in this movie?  Why do vampires trying to conceal themselves from the world live in a glass house? What’s the deal with that Jasper kid? He’s creepy and never talks and when he does and its creepier. And where did those Rave Kid Vampires come from? I know there needs to be a bad guy, but is Forks Washington a Vampire vacation destination or something? They set it up as the Cullens were the only vampires allowed to live there, who gave those Rave Kid Vampires permission to show up?  I’m not sure if the rest of the movies will answer all those questions. Also is Jacob gay?

So, what do you need to know for the future movies?  Bella REALLY wants to be a vampire like Edward. Rachel, one of the Rave Kid Vampires, is very upset Edward killed that Vampire Rave Kid named James. And apparently Anna Kendrick signed a four film contract.

 

 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) 
PG-13 | 2h 10min

TEAM: Edward.

I’m sorry but Jacob at the beginning still has all that stupid hair. And when he gets rid of it he’s kind of an ass.

RECAP –    On Bella’s 18^th birthday, she has a dream she’s still with Edward  but she’s an old woman, and it bums her out. Bella goes to school and Jacob gives her a birthday present and she mentions he is looking buff. At a birthday party for Bella at the Cullens, Bella gets a paper cut and creepy Jasper freaks out and Edward has to fight him. After Edward and Cullens decide it’s time for them to move on because its not safe for Bella to be around Edward. This causes Bella to have a depression montage. When she comes out of it, she comes in contact with some bikers Edward saved her from in the first movie. Realizing she might be in danger, she sees Edward’s ghost head telling her to stay away. Bella then realizes that brushes with danger will allow her to see Edward’s ghost head. So she asks Jacob, who she tells is looking buff, to help her rebuild some motorbikes. During the motorbike building montage Bella and Jacob, who everyone says is looking buff, become close. After the bikes are done, Bella rides it one time, sees Edward’s ghost head, and wrecks. Jacob, who Bella says is looking buff, says no more motor bikes. Not long after Jacob begins ignoring her, when she confronts him, he is shirtless and actually looking buff, has a tattoo, has (FINALLY) cut his hair, and can turn into a werewolf. He tells Bella to stay away from him. Sad, Bella then cliff dives and Edward thinks she is dead. Edward decides he wants to die too and will expose himself to the world as a vampire so that the Volturi, the sort of Vampire government, will kill him. Alice arrives and takes Bella to Italy to stop Edward. She does in time, but Bella, Alice and Edward are brought to the Volturi anyway. Aro, the creepy leader is enamored with Alice and Edward’s powers and more enamored by Bella’s LACK of powers.  He wants to eat her, but Alice tells him that she’s had a vision that Bella will be a vampire one day, so he lets them go. Back at Forks,  Bella says she wants Edward to turn her but they are confronted by shirtless buff looking Jacob. Jacob reminds Edward that any vampire turning a human is against the treaty. Bella tells Jacob that she wants to be with Edward, and then Edward proposes.

REVIEW – Did anyone mention how buff Jacob is looking? YES! Bella did, like 3 billion times. This movie is actually a little better the first one, but it’s a lot more ridiculous. I mean the whole misunderstanding with Edward thinking Bella is dead is almost straight out of Three’s Company episode. If anyone had asked ONE question, we wouldn’t have had half these problems. That said, the stuff with the Volturi is kind of interesting but it begs the question how hard up for work was BAFTA nominee Michael Sheen? He seems at least to be having a good time as the head of the Volturi. But can we talk about Edward trying to kill himself. So he was going expose himself to the world as a vampire, by going outside and “sparkling”? Really? I mean if you don’t know vampires exist and then the proof they do is a dude that “sparkles”, I don’t think you’ve convinced anybody. Why not, I don’t know, DO ANYTHING ELSE A VAMPIRE WOULD DO. Also Alice and Bella ran off to Italy like they were going to Jersey. Thank God Bella had her passport up to date. And poor Jacob, Bella “friend zoned” him hard and that was before he became werewolf. Even worse after. Poor kid. Did you notice how buff he looked?

So, what do you need to know for the future movies? Bella still REALLY wants to be vampire. Edward has proposed. The friend zoned, Jacob, looking very buff, will be watching out for Bella to make sure Edward doesn’t change her. The Volturi will be back. Victoria the Rave Kid Vampire from the first movie is still out there, and is about to be recast. And Oscar Nominee Anna Kendrick has fulfilled two films of her four film contract.

 

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) 
PG-13 | 2h 4min 

TEAM:Jacob.

I know. I’m surprised too. But he cut that hair and aside from that scene where he gets a little too “Access Hollywood Era” Trump with Bella, I think I liked him better. Now if he will just put on a shirt.

RECAP –   In Seattle, a random dude named Riley is attacked and turned into a vampire. Back in Forks, Bella and Edward are debating when to get married/ turn her into a vampire. They decide to wait until after she graduates. At school Alice meets up with Edward, Bella, and Bella’s friends to invite them to a graduation party. Jacob and Bella hang out and he professes his love for her and tries to kiss her. She breaks her hand punching him in the face. At the graduation party, Alice has a vision of Riley and an army of newborn Vampires coming after Bella. The Cullens form a truce with Jacob and the wolves to fight the newborns together. Jasper trains the vampires and wolves on how to fight newborns. Jacob and Edward take Bella to a mountain to keep her away from the fight. That night Bella almost freezes to death, and Jacob warms her up. While she sleeps Jacob and Edward are almost cordial. In the morning Jacob overhears Edward and Bella discussing their wedding and get pissed. Bella kisses him before he goes off to fight. As the Vampires and Wolves fight the Newborns, a recast Victoria from the 1^st movie and Riley arrive at the campsite to kill Bella. Riley is taken off by a wolf and Edward kills Victoria.  The Volturi arrive impressed that the Cullens beat the newborns, and irritated Bella is still human. Bella tells them a date has been set. Bella goes to see an injured Jacob and tells him that she loves but she loves Edward more. At the end Edward and Bella discuss wedding plans but first they decide to tell her father they’re getting married.

REVIEW – On the continuing sliding scale of Twilight movies, its not bad. Don’t get me wrong, its still dopey as hell, but there is some… “interesting” things that happen in it. We get some back story on how Edward’s “siblings” Rosalie and creepy Jasper became vampires. Jasper was a confederate major, so now the actor sports a slight southern accent he didn’t have in the prior films. We also learn more about the history of Jacob’s wolf clan. (I’m sorry I know they are WEREwolves, but “wolves” is just easier to type and honestly are you really confused?) For example, Wolves “imprint” on their mates. I don’t know what that is, but I hope for everyone’s sake, it doesn’t involve being peed on. (Unless you’re into that) The showdown between Edward and Victoria now played Bryce Dallas Howard is brief but interesting. As is the battle between the newborn vampires and the CGI wolves.  There was even a scene where I laughed after Bella admits to her father she is still a virgin, and he says “I’m really liking this Edward.” Now if we could just get a hundred less scenes of Edward and Bella discussing her turning into a vampire and why she shouldn’t and TWO hundred less scenes with Jacob and Bella talking about her turning into a vampire and why she shouldn’t. Can’t we spend this time answering the real questions in these movies: like when male wolves in Jacob’s clan turns back from the wolves they don’t have shirts. But when the girls turn back, do they have some special wolf bra so they aren’t topless? When did Alice become friends Bella’s friends and isn’t inviting a bunch of humans to her house for a party basically like Grub Hub-ing fresh victims to your vampire house? Creepy Jasper lost his mind when Bella got a paper cut, what happens if one of these kids breaks a glass? Also is Bella wearing Jacob’s wig from the first two movies?

SIDE NOTE: QUESTION ANSWERED!! Is Bella wearing Jacob’s wig from the first two movies? Probably. From IMBD “Kristen Stewart wore a wig for this film after cutting her hair short for The Runaways (2010).” Still unanswered: “What is Anna Kendrick doing in this movie?”

So, what do you need to know for the future movies? Edward and Bella are getting married and will wait until after the wedding to have sex AND turn her into a vampire. The Volturi are monitoring when Bella becomes a vampire. Jacob mentioned imprinting for a reason. And 2009 Oscar Nominee, Anna Kendrick has fulfilled three films of her four film contract.

 

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 
PG-13 | 1h 57min 

TEAM: Jacob’s Leather Jacket.

He must really like that jacket because he wears it all the time, and he even takes it off before he turns into a wolf.

RECAP –    It’s time for Bella and Edward’s wedding. Aside from Bella having dreams about them getting married atop a bloody pile of their wedding guests, things are going pretty smoothly. The wedding goes off without a hitch. The reception is a little awkward, Shannon from Lost is there and still upset the wolves killed a character from the first movie no one remembers. Jacob makes an appearance but when Bella tells him she’s decided to wait to become a vampire until after her honeymoon, Jacob gets mad and runs off because that’s what Jacob does. Edward and Bella head to Brazil on their honeymoon, where they finally do “IT”. Two weeks later Bella realizes she’s pregnant. Edward freaks and takes her home to have Carlisle get rid of it but Bella refuses . Jacob shows up and sees Bella is pregnant and then runs off mad because that’s what Jacob does. In the process though he lets the other wolves know Bella is pregnant and they decide they need to kill the unholy child. Jacob refuses to join them and agrees to protect Bella. As the baby grows, Bella grows weaker and a lot less hot to Edward. The only thing that makes her feel better is to drink blood out of a milkshake cup.  When the Cullens run out of blood they have to run out past the wolves to get more. At the same time, Bella goes into labor. Edward gets the baby out and then injects his venom into Bella to bring her back as a vampire. But it doesn’t seem to work, Bella dies. Jacob runs off mad because that’s what Jacob does. When he comes back he wants to kill the new baby, but instead “Imprints” on the creepy CGI baby.The wolves attack the Cullen house but Jacob waves them off because they can’t kill something a wolf has imprinted his future wife, who is now 20 minutes old. The wolves leave and two days later, Bella opens her eyes… as a vampire.

REVIEW – This one is a bit slower. And there is really no story until Bella finds out she is pregnant. After that Edward and Bella replace the “Should Bella be a vampire?” debate with “Should Bella have a vampire baby?” debate. And they talk about that… A LOT. We get some brief vampire / wolf battles. And CGI wolves having meetings. (Watch how he throws his jacket aside so he doesn’t ruin it) But not much else. So again your mind wanders to questions like what happens to the “jorts” Jacob and his buddies wear when they turn into wolves? Also they must get those jorts cheap, because they go thru so many pairs of them. Maybe they get them in bulk. Does the Forks WA Costco sell jorts? Also wouldn’t it just be easier to tell Bella’s Dad she’s a vampire than fake her death? What is Kellan Lutz function in this movie other than being big and dumb? Who thought the creepy CGI face on the baby was a good idea?

So, what do you need to know for the future movies?  Jacob has finally imprinted. Shannon from Lost is looking for a reason to mess with the Cullens. 2009 Best Supporting Actress Oscar Nominee, Anna Kendrick has fulfilled her four-film contract.

 

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012) 
PG-13 | 1h 55min 

TEAM: Bella

She kinda kicks ass when she is first a vampire. But honestly after watching this movie, it could have been anyone but Jacob…. or Jasper… I hate Jasper.

RECAP –    Bella wakes up to find Edward waiting for her. She is fighting her new vampire instincts and Edward takes her to hunt. She finally gets back and sees her daughter, Renesmee who Jacob is being weird around. That’s when Bella finds out he imprinted on her and Bella takes him out back to kick his ass.  Jacob explains it was an accident but vows to always love and protect her. But Bella has bigger fish to fry. First of all Renesmee is growing fast, like she’s seven in a few months. Also Shannon from Lost, who got upset at Bella’s wedding, sees Renesmee and assumes she is an immortal child. An immortal child is a child turned into a vampire. They were very fashionable but hard to control so they were outlawed by the Volturi. Well she snitches to the Volturi and they are now out to get the Cullens. The Cullens decide to call in favors from their friends. So they get fellow vampires from around the world to help with the big fight.  At the end, the Cullens and their variety pack of vampires meet the Volturi on an icy field. Aro reads Alice thoughts and a great battle ensues. Carlise dies, Jasper (FINALLY) dies, creepy Dakota Fanning dies. That new vampire you just started to like, he dies too. Bella and Edward cut off Aro’s head and as they are about to burn his body when …. JUST KIDDING. It was a just a vision Alice shared with Aro. Aro retreats knowing there is no way for him to win. The Vampire Avengers go their separate ways. And Bella gives Edward a final gift. She lets him read her mind and they decide to love each other forever.

REVIEW –  Unlike the Harry Potter final movies, these you can see separately as they seem to be two completely different stories…

I’m sorry…

Can I just spend this entire review talking about how creepy it is that Jacob has imprinted on a 15 MINUTE OLD BABY? I know this is a world of sparkly vampires and werewolves wearing “jorts”, but this is like “to catch a predator” level creepy. All that’s missing is for Jacob to be standing naked in the Cullen’s kitchen with a six pack of wine coolers.  Jacob is a predator and I don’t say that because he is a wolf. I say it because he wants to mate with a little kid! I have never been more TEAM BELLA then when she found out about it and rightfully tried to beat his ass. And he’s like “it was an accident”, like he spilled Kool Aid on the rug or something. And then he spends the whole movie palling around with the kid. They spend Christmas together, he goes to family functions. He’s Uncle Jacob to that kid! Except he’s not because he supernaturally betrothed himself to her. In any other movie, there would be ominous music every time Jacob and that kid are alone together. And what is the conversation they’re supposed to have with Renesmee in a few years? “Hey Renesmee, I mean Renee cause that name’s stupid. Renee, you know Uncle Jacob?You know how he’s known you you’re whole life and he’s around all the time, almost like a second Dad. Well when you were just born he was gonna kill ya, but instead he ‘imprinted’ on you…. No, he didn’t pee on you. It just means he fell in love with you the moment he saw you and in a few years most likely against your will, you’re gonna have marry and have kids with Uncle Jacob. You’re cool with that, right? No we’re vampires not fundamentalist Mormons.”

I’m sorry I find nothing romantic about it. If they wanted Jacob to have a happy ending and fall in love there were plenty of hot vampires around. What was wrong with that blonde electricity chick? Or one of those Amazonian vampires? At least they’re aren’t little kids!

The rest of the movie is all right. The “It’s a Small World of Vampires” thing is interesting. The final battle between the Cullens and the Volturi is cool… Except it’s not, because it doesn’t really happen. So watching Jasper die, which I have been wanting for the last 4 movies, didn’t really happen. Along with all the other big deaths at the end.  All that build up and they decide to maybe fight some other time. Plus the whole thing is inter-cut with Jacob saving Renesmee so he can bone her someday!

The movie wraps up the story well, with Bella letting Edward finally read her mind, and Alice shares a vision with Edward of a grown Renesmee on the beach meeting her parents with her husband… JACOB!

Stephanie Meyer is a monster!

So, what do you need to know for the future movies? 2009 Best Supporting Actress Oscar Nominee for Up in the Air, Anna Kendrick was not contractually obligated to appear in this film.

RENESMEE!
CALL THE POLICE!

 

THE OTHER UNIVERSES